Bethany Exists

Hello again! Today, I feel like writing in a journal. Getting my thoughts out of my head and into word format seems to help me organize my thoughts lately. So here we are, with a smattering of thoughts laid out below. They are all a bit under-formed and messy but it is what I am feeling, so here we go.

I am trying to think outside of the box of black and white thinking lately. I am actively trying to stop my brain from sticking to the black and white thought patterns that come so naturally to me. I am working to live in the gray space that exists all around us. It feels scary and intimidating but I am hopeful that it will work how a daily stretch for your body does, getting easier with time. Some things can be good, and some things can be bad, but many things simply exist. One thing that exists that I try not to assign a moral to are my depressive episodes. They feel deep and dark and heavy. But they give me perspective that I would struggle to identify without this weight.

Reflecting on my past, I have spent so much time stuck on the things that hold me back; the sadness, the loss, the melancholy. I feel lighter than I have in weeks but the heaviness still seems to be lingering just outside of my line of sight. The years I have had before showed me how dark the future can seem. Bleak, barely there lights seemed to be guiding me along a rocky and uneven path. Some days, there was not a star to be seen in the midnight sky. Just the inky blackness that surrounded my soul.
These last few years have felt like someone turned the sun on for the first time in my life. The carefully laid out path has felt clearer and the weight of existence has felt like a backpack, not a boulder. The ebbs and flows of my emotions have felt manageable – even on the harder days.

I have been in a depressive episode for the last few months again. These days, I try to remind myself that not everything is falling apart anymore, even if I feel like I am in my head.
Feeling blue seems to be the regular now, not even black or white thought lines – simply seeing blue. The heaviness has returned lately and causes my vision to blur while my head fogs. Nothing seems quite right when I am stuck in the solitude that is created by my own choices for isolation. The last few months have knocked me back into where I used to be, struggling along the path that once appeared to be easy to walk along.

I hold out hope that the sun will come back. There has to be a light somewhere, even if I have to start a fire to see the pathway laid out in front of me.

Thanks for reading my messy trains of thought, I appreciate your time and hope to be back here typing away soon.
– Beth